Monday, June 3, 2013

Alone

 First sleepless night here.  My hearts hurting, my mind is confused and my eyes are burning.  Just when I thought I was numb enough to pick my personal life up and move on, my eyes well up with tears.  I lay here, surrounded by pillows realizing that moving away wasn't hard.  Starting a life in a new places wasn't hard, but doing it alone.... That was/ is hard.  I'm too far to go home on the weekends to at least be around people who love and care about me and I'm too new to randomly turn to friends here.  That's the funny thing about Portland.... Everyone is married and has kids and lives.  I refuse to disrupt their routines but then kick myself in the ass for not asking.  So, I turn to the cat who normally pulls me out of my funk except today, I pissed her off and now...I'm being ignored.  It's too late for alcohol so....here I am.  Writing this out, sobbing like a child not wanting to be put to bed.  I lay here, playing back every conversation wondering how we could have had a different outcome.  But it's pointless because I'm here and you're there and you've made it perfectly clear that the distance doesn't warrant anymore time to be invested in me.  I'm sounding needy.  I should return to my attempt to sleep and hope that my heart cuts me some slack and allows me time to get my beauty rest.  Thanks for listening dear blogger site.  

Friday, April 26, 2013

Chapter 1

Month one

So we've had rain and sun, the most amount of heater use I've ever had to use followed by unusually hot weather, stolen wallet, found wallet, promotion and lots and lots of wine....beer.....ok both. I've furnished the entire apartment in damn near a week and managed to transition my previous red, orange and brown style to teal, yellow and grey. Very happy with the outcome.

The weirdest thing for me is going from filling up with gas every 2 1/2 days to every 2 1/2 weeks. Holy savings!!!! Something totally awesome was that I've had coffee bought for me twice in the drive thru. First time... Married man. Flattering? Maybe. Insulting? Did I look poor? Anyway. That was cool. But then the next week some chick bought me coffee. Ok I'm officially concerned but am made aware that sometimes there's a pay it forward thing that Portland does. Who knew. So I confused the lady behind me and bought hers. Woohoo... Good karma.

Pookie has turned into a true Gemini. One minute she's on my lap by her own will and other times, you'd think she on crack. She misses my mom. If she's in the other room and I FaceTime my mom, the little buttnugget comes running in and pretends to be all lovey on camera. She's crazy but I love her. She keeps me sane.... Insane to others I'm sure.

Sleeping has been easier than expected thanks to some bottoms of a few bottles. Ohhhh don't worry.... It's not all at once. LoL. I've been forced to learn how to recycle, cook.... A little bit, how to be independent and sleep when it's just fuzzy and me. We're doing.... Surviving....comfortable. Kind of weird to believe this is my life right now.

Anyway, I get on a plane tomorrow to head to Cali. I'm very excited but true to form for Cali my days are jam packed already. But it's nice to feel the love. Can't wait to see all that I can. Until tomorrow.... Night night

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Hopeful for December!

I woke up from a nap thinking I'd be wide awake to remove more cardboard from my life but..... as my butt flattens the carpet imprinting two round circles because I'm too damn lazy today to get up and clear the table full of boxes to finish unpacking, I realize..... it can wait till tomorrow.

I just got done reading a blog that a friend of mine wrote. He was describing how his decisions to grow up has alienated him from his entire youth. He talks about the fact that moving 60 miles away left them there and him here. All the while he's sad that they have chosen to forget him, he's there... with his lover. I have to admit... reading this kinda got to me. He's someone whom I wanted to spend eternity with. The yin to my yang. It's difficult reading that the life we could have had together, neither of us have. While I know we were not meant to head down that road together, it still feels like salt in the wound. Thinking that we both thought we got what we wanted and instead we're both so alone.

We talk all the time about our ups and downs and failures and successes. It's humbling to hear that everyones a victim at some point in time. I had to take a moment to re-evaluate my current situation. I realize that I'm one of the few people who can truly make myself happy. I think thats something for most to be jealous of. I have a wonderful career that I planned, set out for and obtained despite the many hiccups and diversions along the way. I have a very close handful of friends that love me for me and make me smile daily. My family is like any other family with their ups and downs but we're wholesome and complete.

But what I don't understand is the endless urge to find the one. I'm as exhausted as a one man triathlon team. With people now days, scared to find "the one", scared to find that one person who can give them what they want, they are more eager to settle down with someone with amazing looks but no emotional or sexual gratification. I don't know what to think. They say when you stop looking true love finds you. But how do you let go of the thought of finding true love? How does someone give up on love? I don't understand.

Today, I sit here. Not like everyone else where their hearts are on their last thread or ready to crumble. I sit here with a whole and solid heart waiting for someone to claim it, cherish it, adore it and protect it. I sit here, hopeful for December (you know who you are) but worry that our pinches won't wake us up. I digest each word you write, though you think I don't' but until you walk off that plane, sweep me into your arms, kiss me the way that we've dreamed, your words stay in my mind and not in my heart. Call it mean, call it smart.... it's my heart and the one thing that I refuse to let happen is for it to break again.

So here's a little piece of me.... my first effort to show you that I'm in this.....and that I get you.....

Please don't think that your words are a waste. With them in my mind, your picture always near, you are my thoughts, my hope and my prayers. I want so badly for this to be true.... for my single life chapters to finally be through. December isn't coming as quickly as I'd like, so instead I wait for you at night. But tonight you are busy or at least for 6 days. So I'll take a number and go about my day. I hope for a text or email or call and worry, I'm about to fall. Yes, this is for you. Too soon some may say. But if you are who you say you are, then you'll get this... you'll be this... for December isn't all that far.

So cheers to all the hopefuls on here. There needs to be more of us.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Stripped Bare

Your fingers knit the strings of my emotions
Each strum throttles my heart sending tingles down my spine, luring my whole being to suspend without a safety net
Like a sick horror movie of knowing not to enter a room
My blinders are on
I crawl ahead thinking I'm one step ahead
But before I know, I'm tangled in your web of empty promises and broken fairy tales

I can't take it anymore.
Stripped bare and left for the next predator who smells the desire to love
Spellbound by your tale of consummate beauty
I'm trapped again

Like a broken record, I can almost recite what comes next
Why can't I get off this unwavering ride
Unforgiving and torpid
I'm done
Not this time
I've perfected your scheme
It's what you do, you enjoy the anguish of tearing someone apart
Inch by inch until they feel the pain you fear

I may be stripped bare but I'm still here
There's always someone bigger than you Mr. Puppeteer
So move on.... on to your next prey
Because this time it won't be me

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Sweat........Red...... Vodka..... Tango

We arrive to the city of no clocks
Where the streets are paved with dial-a-date, bare breasted hussies on business cards,
The air muddled with liquor
And the sound of tribal beats, echoed by horns, bells and whistles topped off with various pitches of colloquial conversation.
I stand in line, Jack in hand waiting to swagger into the club grinning..... now this is vacation!

A Betty Paige vixon-like statue, erected from the balcony surrounded by the luminescent glow of the fiery red Diablo sign beckons us
Inside, a slight resemblance of dia de los muertos decor of mirrors, skulls and vivid colors
The room consumed of vodka pouring red and black lace-like negligee wearing go-go dancers
Glasses clinking, lights stalking the dance floor mixed with sweat drenched bodies, tangled together in a sultry tango... now this is vacation

The dance.... so erotic
His palms skim the contour of her body
Swaying together to the cadence from the bass
Her hands clench his legs. She slithers up and down his body
They spin only to find themselves face to face, bodies pressed together
He caresses the small of her back
Her thighs threatening to swallow each side of his
They kiss a passionate kiss. The kiss only known to sinners of a forbidden love affair.
Ohhhhhhh now this is vacation.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Breathtaking


Thought I'd add a picture of this amazing landscape I drove past today. How gorgeous!!!! I'll share pictures along way of my journey. =)

Friday, September 26, 2008

Cardboard Paper Cut

OUCH! Damn papercut. What a disaster. All of it. I have to say, the one thing I despise about packing is the reminiscing of the past. I'm eyeball deep in doggy bag scraps of memories. (pictures, journals, birthday cards, love notes, oh, theres his old sweater) I don't like it. Not one bit. I'm kicking and screaming moving into this new place. It's small and no where near as gorgeous as the place we're in now. However, I'm excited to have 3 of us in there. I think maybe I'll be able to sing around the house with someone. As I pack I have little epiphanies of what my new home is going to be like. S.O.B. Theres a sport season every month of the year and what do you know.... we all seem to have our favorite teams lined up. I think I'll conform just to avoid a minor earthquake in apt. 208.

I decided to start one of these since I'm always on here and well... thats where my best thoughts start. My motivation for todays post..... my cardboard paper cut thats reached my soul. I stumbled across a couple of pictures and even a letter from Tyler. (For those that don't know, Tyler was killed in an airplane accident 2 years ago in NY along side of Cory Lydel, the NY Yankee pitcher). Tyler and I went way back to middle school. While we were friends then, H.S. was the firm handshake to our relationship. We loved eachother like best friends do. I flipped over his picture in which he wanted to make sure I had so bad that I seemingly have 2 copies, only to find the words, "I love you. I'm always here". Those are tough words to read when you know the next time you see them, you've reached the end. I'm hurt. I'm numb. I'm uncomfortable. The last time we talked, it wasn't us. It was 2 strangers trying to think of excuses as to why we were totally oblivious to time. I feel as though he took the stairs and I stayed on the escalator. How dare I find these notes now. Knowing how stripped my emotions are right now. I miss him. I was foolish to think that I still had tomorrow.

Anyway. These boxes are not going to pack themselves.