UBM - One year post op

As I've reinitiated my weight loss journey, I started digging through my email to see if I could find some sort of reference to note how far I actually made it the first time around.  This is what I found:

From:  December 2010:  

I am 3 days shy of hitting my one year surgiversary and I have to say, that while this was tough but it was the best gift I could have given myself.  To date, I am down and holding steady at minus 125 pounds.  My eating habits center around "never eating more than 4 ounces" in a sitting.  For reference, that’s a little more than the size of a deck of cards.  I eat foods high in protein, low carbs and reduced fats.  Having gone through the RNY procedure, my digestive track has been greatly shortened and so I have to be cautious with what I eat and drink to ensure I steer clear from dumping.  

For reference Dumping Syndrome is:  After gastric surgery, it can be more difficult to regulate movement of food, which dumps too quickly into the small intestine. Eating certain foods makes dumping syndrome more likely. For example, refined sugars rapidly absorb water from the body, causing symptoms. Symptoms such as abdominal cramps, rapid heart beat, dizziness and sweating.  Because dumping can occur both early and late, symptoms can vary from mild as mentioned early to late which can be more severe.

I am proud that I have only thrown up 2 times (once because my bite of shrimp was too big and the other because I took a bite of BBQ baked beans and didn’t realize I couldn’t eat them) and never once have I gone through major dumping.  I have had this success by paying attention to my bite size, steering clear of sugar, I don’t eat certain sauces like Alfredo and BBQ, I watch my carb and fat intake and limit how much I drink and eat at the same time.  Seems that a lot of people I’ve met in support groups experience dumping weekly.  For me, it wasn’t worth it.  

Guess what?  I met someone too!  Yep, 6 months into my journey, I decided to get back out there.  He was a packaged deal and brought 3 boys with him.  I can honestly say, he’s the real deal.  And by that I mean, we're living together.  The boys stay with us every other week/weekend and for the most part, things are looking good.   My struggle with self esteem is still there but different now.  I think I'm developing body dysmorphia.  It's strange, I look in the mirror and what I see as my reflection, is still me at my heaviest.  I can’t seem to see the weight loss.  Obviously it’s realized when I have to purchase smaller clothes and when people tell me what they see but, it’s hard for me to see it.  I don't understand how that works in my head.  I have issues with excess skin; enough so that I think if surgically removed, I'd probably weigh 20 pounds lighter.  This makes it incredibly difficult to be proud of what I've accomplished.  But, like all things in life, I have to give myself a much needed pep talk and swift kick in the ass to realize that I’ve basically lost enough weight to replicate my little sister.  I mean, let’s see me strap a 125 pound backpack on and see how easy it is to try to walk with.  Maybe then I'll appreciate just how far I've come.  For now, I'll keep one pair of "fat jeans" and when I need a pick me up, I'll step into one leg with my whole body and then say to myself.... ok, I see it.  

For the most part, I’ve remained disciplined with my eating because I have a constant fear of going back to where I was.  But it’s hard figuring out my food while planning for a BF and kids.  He’s not as understanding and is starting to get insecure of my weight loss.  Both he and the kids are extremely picky with their foods.  They only like processed food, high in carbs.  I do my best to try to make my own meals but it’s exhausting coming home from work to make two sets of meals.  He is known to date heavier girls (blankets as he called them).  I think secretly he doesn’t want me to lose too much because heavier girls are known to be insecure and dependent on their partner.  I think he believes that if I lose too much, I won’t need him anymore.  I’m currently putting him through school, so maybe he’s worried I’ll pull the plug on that.  Maybe I’m overthinking it but, I do wish he was more supportive.  It would be nice if we could workout together or if he could be a bit more flexible with his food choices.   I’ve read that this is a very common issue in the bariatric community and that even marriages end because of the surgery.  It’s crazy.  I’m optimistic things will chance.  

Anyway, I think back to the little cups that I was drinking after surgery as I'm eating 1/2 of my sandwich and I think to myself, what are you doing?  But, the reality is, we can't live on just the shakes.  Lord knows not the size of those little cups either.  If before surgery I was eating a foot long and then some, then eating 1/2 of a sandwich now isn’t all that bad.  If anything, it’s normal.  Still I can't help but worry so, I step on the scale daily to make sure that my numbers are not going up.  Obsessive?  Yeah.  But I'd be a fool to not care.  I’ve got 36 more pounds to put me into the doctor recommended weight class.  Yes, I'm a size 14 (my biggest in high school) right now and my BMI still puts me as being obese.  Shocking I know!  But instead of focusing on the obese factor, I just need to break down that 36 more pounds and figure out how to lose it.  Hell, if I could lose 125 in a year, what's another 36 pounds?  And maybe once I get there, I can figure out what to do next.  

My best advice to those starting this journey is, don't give into the excuses you’ve allowed yourself to accept before, don't ignore the fact that people want to help.  Most of all.... keep moving.  I'll end with this, I'm not sure who but someone once said,  "just because you can, doesn't mean you should".  Live by that!!!!