UBM - Year 13

So here we are... lucky year, 13.  I suppose you're wondering why it took me 12 (ish) years to get my shit together.  That reason ties to several remarks in previous blogs about staying in therapy and establishing an early healthy walking/ workout habit.  I didn't realize either would play such a vital role in succeeding nor did I think to prioritize either of them.  I point blank, neglected anything that would help me long-term and simply rode the "Que Sera Sera" wave.   🙄 Throughout the years I took advantage of “reasons” to lose weight and gave into excuses to give up thus sending me right back into the typical yo-yo struggle which I was oh too familiar with.   Neither of these situations being good for me and quit honestly, extremely regretful.

I’m sure you’re wondering how I could regret losing weight.  So, here’s the deal, anytime I had a surgery, I used it as an opportunity to get back on a liquid diet.  For those who don't know, a liquid diet outside of surgery prep in the bariatric community normally means you are “resetting your pouch”.  Resetting your pouch means that you are trying to shrink your stomach back to the original size the surgeon created during surgery.  I’m sure you can guess, while this may have given instant results, this philosophy didn’t last long.  The reality was, anything drastic like this for me wasn’t sustainable.  Another situational “reason” was literally handed to me when I received my DUI.  For the month that I had my suspended license, the court had ordered me to stop drinking and so I immersed myself into working which allowed me to create new healthy habits.  This combo did wonders for my weight loss and physique.  After that month had passed, I stayed on track.  I was doing fantastic for a steady 6 month’s until the "excuse" presented itself.  My father passed which gave me the "excuse" I needed to run at top speed into the opposite direction.  It wasn't on purpose or intentional, it's just how my reactive behaviors work.  (clearing my throat) Probably wouldn't have happened if I was in therapy.  🙉

I believe this pattern of repeated toggling between reason and excusive behavior all tied to self sabotage. Somewhere deep inside, I believe I had a fear of reaching my goals and would use any excuse to derail.  It took me a while but I was finally able to figure out how to describe what happens.  I look at my confidence as a person living inside me.  Let’s call her Lisa.  Lisa is a very negative person and does everything in her power to keep me at my lowest; hence self sabotage.  Lisa speaks and thinks the harshest, most unhealthiest and most nastiest things to me, making me believe that I am undeserving of good things.  She is vicious.  During my worst episodes, she is like a broken record that plays the same thing over and over and over, often repeating how unworthy and unlovable I am.  Lisa’s words do not exclude my weight loss goals.  Her negative remarks are so bad that I tend to avoid mirrors as much as possible or the record player starts all over again. It’s distracting and difficult to try to put on a brave face to the folks outside my four walls.  During the times when I was on a positive weight loss trajectory, I'd almost get to the point of reaching my goal and then poof, Lisa would start her normal bull shit and I would be back on the downward spiral.  To bring this to life, I’d often ask myself, what happens if you make this goal and people still don't like you or you still can't find your partner?   That question would haunt me, day in and day out.  I knew as long as I had weight on me, I'd have an excuse for people to not fall in love with me.  I couldn't bear knowing that someone didn't love me because of me.  That seemed way too hurtful, especially knowing what I put into a relationship.  And so I'd start my self sabotaging behaviors and would begin to overeat or over-drink and would start to put on weight.  It was a fail proof plan.  No one was going to love me being overweight, nor were they going to date me.   To date, that remains true.  Yes, the logical side of me realizes that this is not healthy thinking and yes, I also realize how critical therapy is if I plan to heal from this sort of negative thinking.     

That said, I think this was the year that I realized I needed to stop giving “Lisa” so much power.  I’ve lived my entire life for everyone, including Lisa and I’m still alone and still not happy with myself.  Why not do things for me, not care what others think and if I reach my weight goal, at least I can be proud of one thing.  So, that’s what has taken me 12 years to get to where I am.  I had to dig through all of the garbage in order to realize what I really wanted or what really mattered.  

So, let’s bring this conversation to life.  4 months ago, I started this journey.  I’m happy to say, I’m down 25 pounds and 123 days sober (and more to come for both).  Thought I’d show a little bit of my progress with you all.  

My progress using my body scan

My progress using actual body and face side by sides