The Birth of The Underbelly Movement

Over the past six years, I was living life on auto-pilot mode.  Wake up, go to work, go to Zumba, go to bed.  Rinse and repeat.  Sometimes the occasional travel would come up but mostly everything was set to a routine.  There wasn't really a need to sway too far from it as I was comfortable and it was predictable, until about two years ago when I woke up feeling off.  As a woman, I knew what kind of "off" this was.  I decided to take a test and that’s when everything changed.  You see, as I grew older in my adult life, the thought of having children, diminished, and I was accepting of that.  But right then, I was holding a stick with the smallest but most powerful sign… a ➕ sign .  "Oh shit!  Now what do I do?"  

I began to agonized over what this would mean for me.  I knew this wasn't planned and if anything, this was some form of a miracle as I was on birth control and am disciplined about keeping up with it.  I struggled with whether I should tell my partner at the time but ended up agreeing with myself that I wouldn’t.  Ohhhhh, go ahead and throw tomatoes, hate me if you want but let’s face it, I was his dirty little secret.  There was no way in hell he was going to want to be tied to me for the next 18 years.  I mean, if it took him 6 years just to agree to have lunch in public with me; why in earth would he agree to this?   I knew that because I was an embarrassment to him, he’s going to manipulate me into getting rid of it.   I wouldn’t have had a say in any of it.  So, I did what was right in my heart and made the decision to hold off on telling him.  I figured I would eventually say something and offer him the opportunity to sign his parental rights over as I wouldn't be expecting anything from him.  

With that decision made, I moved on to start thinking of how I was going to financially make this work.  I’d catch myself daydreaming and think, I can do this, I know I will absolutely be an amazing mom, I’m going to show this kid the world, and how cool is it that there will be another cousin and grandchild to add to the family.   But, god had other plans for me.  The dream was over.  Driving home from the doctors, I kept telling myself, maybe I was too old, too fat, too stressed, maybe I wasn’t taking the right vitamins, or doing this or that or whatever.  Somehow, I felt responsible.  

I wasn’t paying close attention to the timeline but not too long after all of this happened, I started falling into a depression.  Of course no one knew about any of this and so I was doing what I could to hide the real reason.  But the reality of it all was that I had lost my newly found purpose and while this loss happened by its own means, I continued to take responsibility.  This is where I began to spiral.  I analyzed everything about myself and stewed on every negative situation.  I started to take everything personal which worsened my depression and gave me another excuse to add to my drinking habit.  By now, once I would pour the first glass, I couldn't stop.  I felt so worthless.  I was lonely and angry, carrying around what felt like an unbearable amount of weight.  I was tired.  I starting convincing myself that I didn’t matter and I think subconsciously, I was doing everything I could to make myself feel less deserving.  I was putting on weight and I had lost my smile.  Just looking at me you could tell I wasn’t happy.  

During this time, I had started to get involved with a couple of Facebook groups to learn about transfer addiction from weight loss surgery because I knew I was rapidly spiraling.  As I started researching, I learned that the percentage of weight loss surgery (WLS) patients turned alcoholics seemed to stop being being calculated somewhere around 2014.  Shown in the image above, those stats are outdated.   This was crazy to me because prior to the Ozempic craze, WLS was glamorized as a way to get your life back and look beautiful.  Because of this, the amount of surgeries performed each year grew at a rapid rate.  Given WLS was on the rise, it was only natural to expect that complications were too.  I mean, these are not simple surgeries.  So why are the stats for complications not matching the increase in surgeries?  Why the lack of transparency?  I could only conclude it’s profit related for the doctors.  If patients knew that they were trading in obesity for alcoholism, there might be a significant drop in the election to participate.   As I networked with more and more people, I learned that doctors were not cautioning their patients as much as they should about the possibility of transfer addiction both before and after surgery.  I understood why they didn’t when I had mine 14 years ago but not now.  Enough time had past for a substantial amount of research to be done.  

I decided to reach out to my doctors and therapist for help.  Shockingly, my gastric doctor didn’t take my situation seriously.  He himself had s version of WLS and jokingly said, “see that picture of me (pointing to a heavier picture of himself), I got that way because of wine.”  I laughed but didn’t understand his point.  He told me, “talk to my PA, he just got certified to administer Ozempic.  I’ve heard it can help with alcohol cravings too.  You’re a valued patient, we can give you a discount.”  REALLY?  That was his solution?  I felt mocked and instead leaned on my primary and therapist for help.  I told both of them I had been researching a particular medication for about a year and that I couldn’t find anything negative about it.   We discussed the side effects and how to combat them and agreed that this was the right choice.  Still, I had to wonder, was the experience I had with my surgeon, the same experience others were having?  No wonder people were having regrets about having their surgery.

After a bit time to muster up the courage to bid farewell to alcohol, I finally did it!  I went on Wellbutrin and Naltrexone.  That combination would take the place of the designer drug Contrave.  The initial thought was, let me get the help I need so I can get time and success under my belt before I go around sharing my story and encourage people to change.  I was nervous how my breakup with alcohol was going to go and how my body was going to react to the medicine.  The theory behind this combination of medicine is to focus on the mental aspects linked to addiction.  Let’s face it, tackling the alcohol was only a piece of the problem.  There was still the underlying issue of the addiction itself which was previously linked to food, hence the transfer addiction.  Combining these two medicines silences the “noise” in your head giving you the opportunity to focus on “putting in the work” to make appropriate changes without the distractions.  These drugs have been around for ages and therefore I trusted them and their intended use.  It has been a complete miracle. Day one, everything was perfect.  It was almost as if I had amnesia towards alcohol.  The minute I started I no recollection of the pleasure factors linked to alcohol nor was it tempting me anymore.  I’m pretty sure I now look at a bottle the same way some people look at Brussels sprouts.  This happened instantaneously.  I couldn’t believe it.  I still can’t believe it.  The food part was interesting too.  The chatter in my head telling me to eat alllllllllll the time, was gone.  This was fascinating to me because I am such a routine person that when my normal eating hours would come around, I’d find myself standing in the kitchen confused.  I wasn’t hungry anymore and therefore I had no idea what I was supposed to do.  

Soooo, here we are, on the eve of 75 days on the meds, eve of 75 days without alcohol and just shy of my 20 pound goal.   Documenting everything since I started this made me realize that maybe I could use my situation to help and inspire others.  I figured it would be important for people to understand my battle with weight from the beginning and combined with the entire WLS journey so that I can show how relatable I am to them.  Perhaps I will be encouraging to them, can help provide suggestions they hadn’t thought of or even open a community of like minded individuals who are on the same path as they are to have a safe space to connect and empower each other.  I figured, if I can help one person change their life, then this it worth it.  The whole process is incredibly difficult without the alcohol but once you add that factor in, it’s like running a race with cinder blocks on your feet.   These past 75 (ish) days have reminded me of what the honeymoon phase post surgery felt like.  You know, when your body is drastically changing and people are noticing.  This is absolutely one of the most motivating and rewarding parts of this journey.  I want for others to be reminded of these feeling without the burden of a budding or past addiction. 

That said, I’ve decided to launch “The Underbelly Movement”.  I chose this name as it signifies the combination of vulnerability and change.  Statistically, post WLS patients are more susceptible to develop body dysmorphia and addiction issues.  Having experienced both, I want to bring people together to rally for change, raise awareness before their surgeries take place and provide a safe space full of WLS specific content to support those in need.  This idea is very much in its infancy stage as I work to create content, network and collect all things necessary to build and get this thing off the ground.  I certainly hope I follow through with this as it’s a huge undertaking but completely necessary.  There’s a community out there who needs this and I want to be the one to help.  

So, stay tuned….

Oh yeah, for those wondering, I had a typo in my post about my accident.  The thing was 120 inches tall.  That’s 10 feet.  Anyway.  After several X-rays and such, the doctor said I have severe whiplash still, a spasm in my neck and an inflamed sciatica.  Good news, I didn’t break my neck.