Alone

 First sleepless night here.  My hearts hurting, my mind is confused and my eyes are burning.  Just when I thought I was numb enough to pick my personal life up and move on, my eyes well up with tears.  I lay here, surrounded by pillows realizing that moving away wasn't hard.  Starting a life in a new places wasn't hard, but doing it alone.... That was/ is hard.  I'm too far to go home on the weekends to at least be around people who love and care about me and I'm too new to randomly turn to friends here.  That's the funny thing about Portland.... Everyone is married and has kids and lives.  I refuse to disrupt their routines but then kick myself in the ass for not asking.  So, I turn to the cat who normally pulls me out of my funk except today, I pissed her off and now...I'm being ignored.  It's too late for alcohol so....here I am.  Writing this out, sobbing like a child not wanting to be put to bed.  I lay here, playing back every conversation wondering how we could have had a different outcome.  But it's pointless because I'm here and you're there and you've made it perfectly clear that the distance doesn't warrant anymore time to be invested in me.  I'm sounding needy.  I should return to my attempt to sleep and hope that my heart cuts me some slack and allows me time to get my beauty rest.  Thanks for listening dear blogger site.