Thursday, October 9, 2008

Hopeful for December!

I woke up from a nap thinking I'd be wide awake to remove more cardboard from my life but..... as my butt flattens the carpet imprinting two round circles because I'm too damn lazy today to get up and clear the table full of boxes to finish unpacking, I realize..... it can wait till tomorrow.

I just got done reading a blog that a friend of mine wrote. He was describing how his decisions to grow up has alienated him from his entire youth. He talks about the fact that moving 60 miles away left them there and him here. All the while he's sad that they have chosen to forget him, he's there... with his lover. I have to admit... reading this kinda got to me. He's someone whom I wanted to spend eternity with. The yin to my yang. It's difficult reading that the life we could have had together, neither of us have. While I know we were not meant to head down that road together, it still feels like salt in the wound. Thinking that we both thought we got what we wanted and instead we're both so alone.

We talk all the time about our ups and downs and failures and successes. It's humbling to hear that everyones a victim at some point in time. I had to take a moment to re-evaluate my current situation. I realize that I'm one of the few people who can truly make myself happy. I think thats something for most to be jealous of. I have a wonderful career that I planned, set out for and obtained despite the many hiccups and diversions along the way. I have a very close handful of friends that love me for me and make me smile daily. My family is like any other family with their ups and downs but we're wholesome and complete.

But what I don't understand is the endless urge to find the one. I'm as exhausted as a one man triathlon team. With people now days, scared to find "the one", scared to find that one person who can give them what they want, they are more eager to settle down with someone with amazing looks but no emotional or sexual gratification. I don't know what to think. They say when you stop looking true love finds you. But how do you let go of the thought of finding true love? How does someone give up on love? I don't understand.

Today, I sit here. Not like everyone else where their hearts are on their last thread or ready to crumble. I sit here with a whole and solid heart waiting for someone to claim it, cherish it, adore it and protect it. I sit here, hopeful for December (you know who you are) but worry that our pinches won't wake us up. I digest each word you write, though you think I don't' but until you walk off that plane, sweep me into your arms, kiss me the way that we've dreamed, your words stay in my mind and not in my heart. Call it mean, call it smart.... it's my heart and the one thing that I refuse to let happen is for it to break again.

So here's a little piece of me.... my first effort to show you that I'm in this.....and that I get you.....

Please don't think that your words are a waste. With them in my mind, your picture always near, you are my thoughts, my hope and my prayers. I want so badly for this to be true.... for my single life chapters to finally be through. December isn't coming as quickly as I'd like, so instead I wait for you at night. But tonight you are busy or at least for 6 days. So I'll take a number and go about my day. I hope for a text or email or call and worry, I'm about to fall. Yes, this is for you. Too soon some may say. But if you are who you say you are, then you'll get this... you'll be this... for December isn't all that far.

So cheers to all the hopefuls on here. There needs to be more of us.

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