Change of plans

 How do you know when you’re ready to get back out there?  You know, back into the dating world.  Especially when your soul has been crushed.  Today, I was had an incredibly large delivery.  This thing was 120” tall and god only knows how heavy.  It was delivered to the outside of my garage and needed to at least be brought inside the garage.  Me being the strong independent woman that I am, went out and attempted to move this monstrosity of a box.  I attempted to wiggle it side to side only to realize that not only was this thing towering over me but it was becoming increasingly dangerous.  But, I was past the point of no return.  

I managed to get it inside the garage.  I looked up and realized this box was so tall that it was scraping the opened garage door. Thinking that it would be safer to lay it on its side, I attempted to tilt it on its side to start lowering it.  Unbeknownst to me, the product had been damaged somewhere in the shipping process and there was a break in the wood in the center of the box.  As I started to tilt it, the box buckled which shifted the weight awkwardly causing me to lose my balance and fall with the box on top of me.

As I lay on the ground, completely immobilized under the box, overwhelmed with fear that I may have done serious damage to my neck and back, I realize that this isn’t my Cinderella moment.  There is no Prince Charming coming to rescue me.  I laid back letting the dead weight settle into its final position as to not do more damage.  I took a deep breath and pushed the box off me. I sat up, did a limb check, a tooth check, a limb mobility check, rolled my neck and then slowly stood up.  I could feel that my ear, neck, lower back and shoulder on my right side were on fire.  I knew I was hurt.  

Me being me, I composed myself, took pictures of the damaged box and product and went upstairs.  Within minutes my head started pounding and the rest of my body increasingly began to hurt more and in different places.  I went to lay down and began to count my blessings and then started to cry.  I reminded myself that I’m mobile but I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me.  I laid there crying because in that moment, I had this intense need to be cradled.  I didn’t need words.  Just human touch to remind me I’m safe and loved.  In that moment, I couldn’t tell what hurt more, the lonesomeness or the actual pain.  

I hate pity parties.  I hate laying here feeling sorry for myself.  But, it is what it is.  I’m sure once the pain subsides, the thoughts will go away and I’ll emotionally bounce back.  These thoughts of getting back out there are impulsive and are a  reactive response to a traumatic event.  I know deep down I’m too emotionally paralyzed and insecure to start another chapter right now.  I’m 60 days into my cleanse and am tracking perfectly to make my next target.  Perhaps this situation today happened so I would pause, reflect, applaud myself for my small accomplishments and not rush anything more.  Physically, this situation is going to be a temporary setback but maybe it was meant to happen so I focus on something different, like maybe meditation.  Maybe meditation will help me find the love I owe myself.  For tonight, I guess it’s sappy movies and a few ice packs.  We shall see what tomorrow feels like.  

Moral of the story…. Love yourself enough to ask for help.  Don’t be a hero.  Lol.